My Favourite Simpsons Quotes


All quotes are from the Simpsons Archive.


He lied to us through song.  I _hate_ when people do that!
Homer - "Apu and Homer"


(To the tune of the Cheers theme....)

When the weight of the world has got you down
and you want to end your life....
Bills to pay, a dead-end job,
and problems with the wife....
But don't throw in the towel, 'cause there's a place right down the block....
Where you can drink your misery away.....
At Flaaaaaaaamiiiiiiiiing Moe's,
Where liquor in a mug,
can warm you like a hug
and happiness is just a Flaming Moe away...
Happiness is just a Flaming Moe away.
"Flaming Moe's"


  Dr. Nick:  Hi everybody!
Homer+Bart:  Hi Doctor Nick!
      Nick:  [to Homer]  Now there are many options available for dangerously underweighted individuals
             like yourself.  I recomment a slow, steady gorging process combined with 
             assal horizontology.
     Homer:  [pensive] Of course.
      Nick:  [points to a chart]  You'll want to focus on the neglected food groups such as 
	     the whipped group, the congealed group, and the chocotastic!
     Homer:  What can I do to speed the whole thing up, Doctor?
      Nick:  Well, be creative.  Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use Pop-Tarts.
             Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon!
      Bart:  You could brush your teeth with milkshakes!
  Dr. Nick:  Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too?  And remember, if
             you're not sure about something, rub it against a piece of paper.  If the 
             paper turns clear, it's your window to weight gain.  Bye bye, everybody!
Dr. Nick Riviera - "King-Size Homer"


I bent my Wookie.
Ralph Wiggum - "Lisa's Rival"


Ooh, I feel all funny.  [gasp] I'm in love!  No, wait.  It's a stroke.
Grampa - "Lady Bouvier's Lover"


Please, please, kids, stop fighting.
Maybe Lisa's right about America being the land of opportunity,
and maybe Adil's got a point about the machinery of capitalism
being oiled with the blood of the workers.
Homer - "The Crepes of Wrath"



And I think it's ironic that for once Dad's butt _prevented_ the release of
toxic gas --
Bart - "King-Size Homer"



Never, Marge!  Never.  I can't live the button-down life like you.
I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy
middles.  Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky
stride and musky odours -- oh, I'll never be the darling of the 
so-called "City Fathers", who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards,
and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?".
Homer - "Lisa's Rival"



Homer:  God, if you really are God, you'll get me tickets to that game.
        [doorbell rings] 
  Ned:  Hidely-ho, neighbour.  Wanna go to the game with me?  I got two tick --
Homer:  [slams the door] Why do you mock me, O Lord?
Marge:  Homer, that's not God.  That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there.
        [Marge scrapes it off into Homer's hands]
Homer:  I know I shouldn't eat thee, but -- [bites] Mmm, sacrilicious.
"Homer Loves Flanders"



Marge, it takes two to lie.  One to lie and one to listen.
Homer - "Colonel Homer"



   Burns:  Smithers, I've been thinking.  Is it wrong to cheat to win
	   a million-dollar bet?
Smithers:  Yes, sir.
   Burns:  Let me rephrase that.  Is it wrong if _I_ cheat to win a 
	   million-dollar bet?
Smithers:  No, sir.  Who would you like killed?
"Homer at the Bat"



Increased job satisfaction and family togetherness are poison for a 
purveyor of mind-numbing intoxicants like myself.
Moe - "Flaming Moe's"



This elevator only goes to the basement.  And somebody made an
awful mess down there.
Grampa (stuck in the porta-potty) - "Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming"



Lovejoy: Dearly beloved...
Homer:   Wait!  I want one last chance to enjoy single life.  [scratches 
         his butt and belches]  Okay, ready.
Lovejoy: I will now read these special vows which Homer has prepared for this 
         occasion.  "Do you, Marge, take Homer, in richness and in poorness" --
         poorness is underlined -- "in impotence and in potence, in quiet
         solitude or blasting across the alkali flats in a jet-powered, monkey-
         navigated"... [consults the notecards]  ... and it goes on like this.

"A Milhouse Divided"